Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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