Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
