well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
