My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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