Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
