Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
