We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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