uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
