She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
