im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
