Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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