you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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