nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
