I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
