i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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