Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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