My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
