Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
