i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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