If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
