u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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