I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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