the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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