yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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