There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
