i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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