honey bunches of taint.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize