You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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