u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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