I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize