are you still at the devil's house?
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
