you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
