all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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