Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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