i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
