Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
You pole danced in your parka.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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