saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
