I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My penis needs a shock collar
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
