Ambien. No doubt about it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
A bitchslap is in order.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
