I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
