i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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