blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
