I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
