I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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