The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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