Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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