Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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