i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
smell my finger.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
