I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
