Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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