I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Found your dick twin last night
I think I sprained my soul last night
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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