I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
