I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
