My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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