I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
