You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
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