You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
