Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
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