i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
