Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
