if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
