i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
