I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
